Dear friend,
I used to think that freedom was the answer.
Getting rich, early retirement, traveling the world. That’s what I dreamed about when I emigrated to America 28 years ago. In my 20’s I didn’t think I would ever have children. The weight of raising a human just didn’t go with my dreams of freedom. Being a cool aunt - that was more like it. In addition to chasing freedom I was also trying to figure out the meaning of it all.
I did travel quite a bit. I have a good understanding how big and different the world is. I know in my bones how long it takes to fly to Australia. I know the warmth of Moroccan people, or the depth of the Grand Canyon. Asia is still on my list. I was born and raised in Soviet Lithuania, experienced the regime change and have a personal experience of what it means. I really just scratched the surface, the world is way too big to see it all. Moving from one country to another can be inspiring, healing, but you are just a visitor. A tourist. You come and go with a few footsteps left in your soul.
Early retirement sounds very freeing, but how do you choose when you can choose anything? Sure - I wouldn’t mind a month or two at the Caribbean beach, but then what? Freedom without direction quickly turns into restlessness. Most of the retired people I know aren’t fulfilled. They’re waiting—for plans, for invitations, for someone to need them.
It wasn’t until I had my children that something shifted. For the first time my life had gravity. My world didn’t expand - it centered. It was no longer the whole world at my feet, it was making sure they were alright. My feet were on the ground. Nothing has been more meaningful since.
Responsibility changed everything. Meaningful responsibilities have become the anchor of my life. I stopped asking What is the meaning of life? and started asking What is mine to carry? There is a responsibility of helping my clients to cross life’s thresholds, then there is our cat Felix and our bunny Pearl, then there is creating our home, then there is a lead role in the community remodel project, I also took on the condo’s garden. All these roles carry weight, they take up time, they ask something of me again and again. But they also root me, they stretch me, shape me, make me useful.
No, I no longer want a free life. I want something heavy and meaningful to carry.
With love,
Renata
P.S. My children and I are traveling to Vegas and Death Valley for spring break. Adventure is alive and well! :)